We often hear the phrase, “All parents love their children.” While this statement carries a grain of truth, everyday reality reveals something more complex: love is not always experienced as love—especially when there are conditions a child must meet to deserve it.
The most recognizable form of “difficult” love is conditional love, where the message becomes:
“I am loved when I…”
– perform well at school,
– don’t cause trouble,
– don’t upset my parents,
– become what they need me to be.
This kind of love sends the message:
“Your worth depends on how much you satisfy me.”
The child grows up feeling they must earn acceptance — and if they fail, love is withdrawn.
What Is Unconditional Love?
Unconditional love says:
“You are worthy of love simply because you exist—not because you succeed, please me, or resemble me.”
It is love that does not manipulate, withdraw, or demand reciprocity.
It doesn’t mean that anything goes or that there are no boundaries—but that boundaries coexist with acceptance.
How Can This Kind of Love Be Cultivated?
– Accepting the child as a unique individual
– Seeking to understand their feelings, rather than correct them
– Offering emotional presence and availability
– Separating the child’s behavior from their intrinsic worth
– Practicing self-care and awareness: love for others begins with our own emotional wholeness
When This Love Is Absent…
These children, once adults, often struggle with:
– The need to constantly prove their worth
– Harsh self-criticism and guilt
– Difficulty trusting others’ love
– Persistent fear of rejection
– Disconnection from their own needs and self
Unconditional love requires conscious choice, self-awareness, and often therapeutic processing of our own wounds. But if offered, it becomes the most solid bridge to a child who will learn to respect themselves and create relationships based on authenticity and trust.
In closing, the answer is not to blame our parents, but to look with awareness at how we grew up. And to make a new choice today: to love our children – and ourselves – not because they are perfect, but because they are human!